Secure Attachment Relationships - Why They Are Crucial For You and Your Child

In this post I'm talking about one of the most crucial things that your child needs to reach their full potential: secure attachment relationships.

Decades of research has consistently shown us that secure attachment relationships are essential for optimal health, development and future success.

What is a secure attachment?

A secure attachment relationship is one where your child feels safe to go out and explore their world, and safe to return to you for emotional support, comfort and safety. Babies are children are hard-wired to seek closeness and connection with their parents. Having the support of a trusted person keeps them safe, cared for and allows them to focus on growing, learning and exploring.

Children with secure attachment relationships are more likely to have:

Higher self-esteem

Better emotional regulation skills

Healthier relationships and improved social skills

Better mental health

Improved problem solving

What about insecure attachment?

An insecure attachment relationship might develop when a child feels that some of their needs are not supported by their parent.

For example, if a child picks up that when they go out to explore their world it makes their parent feel anxious or uncomfortable, they may choose to stay close by to make their parent feel more comfortable. But in doing this, they deny their need to try new things, build resilience and explore their interests. This kind of pattern is called an anxious attachment.

On the other hand, if a child notices that when they are upset, emotional or needing comfort that it makes their parent feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable, they may learn over time to hide their emotions or needs. These children won’t seek support from others and will try and manage things on their own. This kind of pattern is called an avoidant attachment.

Research shows us that around 60% of people in Australia have secure attachment relationships.

Is anxious attachment the same as separation anxiety?

No, it's not. Separation anxiety is normal for babies and young children and each child will vary with how much this shows up for them depending on personality, temperament and what is happening in their world. You child seeking support, closeness and comfort from you when they are upset or uncomfortable is actually often a sign of a healthy relationship.

 Adult Attachment Patterns

Adults have attachment relationship patterns too: learning our own patterns can help us understand ourselves and why we might struggle more with some parts of life and parenting.

Our adult attachment patterns are usually learnt during our own childhood as a result of how our parents responded to us and our needs. We are all individuals, and the way these patterns play out in our life will look a little different for each of us. But to give you a really brief rundown, these might be common experiences:

Secure Attachment

You are comfortable with expressing and supporting emotions.

You feel you can rely on others and feel comfortable with someone else relying on you.

You ask for help when you need it.

You communicate your needs and boundaries without guilt.

Anxious Attachment

You need reassurance or closeness to feel connected.

You doubt your own worth in relationships and life.

You worry that others don’t really love you or will leave you.

You people please and worry a lot about making mistakes.

Avoidant Attachment

You value independence and prefer to manage things on your own.

You feel uncomfortable talking about feelings.

You can sometimes downplay the emotions of yourself and others.

You find it hard to ask for help.

 Reflecting on your own relationships

I want to acknowledge the big range of feelings that might be coming up for you reading all of this information.

You may feel some frustration or resentment at your own parents as you reflect on the ways that you didn’t feel supported.

You may feel guilty about your own parenting or worry that you are ruining your child.

Two Messages of Hope

These feelings are common, but here are two things that might feel reassuring.

Attachment patterns and relationships are always able to change. It’s never too late for you or your child to learn skills to help you develop a more secure relationship.

We only need to be good enough. The attachment theory research tells us that we don’t need to meet all of our children’s needs to develop secure attachment relationships. It’s okay for us to miss needs, make mistakes and get it wrong some of the time.

Dive Deeper

The more I do this work, the more I realise that parenting isn’t about learning tips and tricks. It’s about doing our own work. Unpacking our story. Learning about our patterns. And reflecting on where we struggle.

This is something I can support you with through individual counselling where we can look at your attachment patterns and how they might be showing up in your parenting. Find out more here.