How do I know if my birth was traumatic?

First - birth trauma is defined by the person experiencing it. 

X Not by a healthcare professional.
X Not by how the birth looked on paper.
X Not by how 'bad' the birth was compared to someone else's. 

It's all about how you felt. The fear, overwhelm, guilt, grief, disappointment, anger, rage, disconnection or numbness.

It's about the safety of you, your baby or your partner being threatened.

It about how your nervous system kicked in to protect you -  feeling like you just want to run away,  yelling and screaming or feeling completely frozen.

It's a sensory experience where;

- Sounds become muffled. 
- Colours look faded or washed out.
- You know people are speaking to you, but you can't hear them. 
- You have a slight ringing in your ears.
- Everything feels a little fuzzy.
- You feel like you can't move or speak.
- Time feels slowed down or sped up.
- Your memories are fragmented.
- You feel disconnected from reality.

You might have felt any or all of these things.

When you think back on the experience you might feel:

- A tightness in your chest.
- Overwhelm, grief, sadness or anger.
- A sense of being on edge or unable to relax.
- Numbness and disconnection.
- Powerless and like you had no control. 
- Like you can't get the experience out of your head.

And it keeps showing up for you in life and motherhood. This might look like:

- Worrying a lot about your baby's health and safety.
- Not feeling connected to your baby.
- Delaying having another baby or feeling fearful of giving birth again.
- Avoiding looking at pictures of the birth. 
- Feeling instantly tense when your friends start talking about birth.
- Not enjoying motherhood like you thought you would.

And wrapped up in all of this - the shame is loud.

Or maybe something just doesn't feel right. You can't put your finger on it. You don't know exactly what it is. But you aren't okay.

So many of the parents I work with feel really confused because of thoughts like:

- There were parts of my birth that went well, so it couldn't have been traumatic, right?
- I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to associate my birth with trauma.
- I have a healthy baby and that is all that matters. 
- Maybe it wasn't that bad. 
- Maybe I should have done something differently, then things wouldn't have turned out this way.
- What happened to me was part of a conception, pregnancy or postpartum journey so therefore it isn't trauma.

I want you to know that trauma can happen across the entire perinatal journey.

Infertility. Loss. IVF. Hyperemesis. Pregnancy complications. Decreased fetal movements. Healthcare professional interactions. A baby the cries for hours on end. Medical complications. The list is endless. 

But what is important is that if you still feel affected by what happened to you, then getting support can be a vital step in healing and moving forward. 

It's never too late. I've done birth and perinatal debriefing with parents just days after the birth. I've also worked with parents many years later.

But the words I want to leave you with about birth and perinatal trauma are that what happened to you matters.

You aren't making it up. 

It's not your fault.

And whatever you feel is okay.