When You Resent Your Partner

Partner resentment comes up in so many relationships, especially in the early years of building a family, but we don't talk about it enough. And when we do, we brush it off or make light of it. The old 'my partner is useless ha ha' kind of narrative.

But underneath the mask of humour sit some really painful feelings. Resentment. Rage. Disappointment. Grief. Sadness. We may feel undervalued, unappreciated or disrespected. Like our needs don't matter. Like we don't matter. And that hurts.

What is partner resentment?

Resentment is a feeling. It's a complex and layered emotion that might include a mix of disappointment, frustration and hurt. It comes up when we feel like we have been wronged, mistreated or betrayed. It's feeling that things are unfair. And it's often linked with the expectations that we have of how things should be, and the reality not matching up.

When does it show up?

Often in motherhood, resentment shows up when we feel that we are carrying more than our partners or when our experience of the world feels completely different to theirs. When you become a mum, suddenly your whole world and daily routine feels like it's been turned upside down. But for your partner? Their life might look a little more unchanged as they maintain normal routines like going to work.

Resentment often comes up in the small moments. Moments like when:

- You have to do bedtime yet again

- Your partner is able to just leave the house with planning ahead

- They forgot that birthday party you told them about three times

- You were the only one to remember you were out of milk

- Their version of cleaning the house is absolutely not the same as yours

Resentment builds over time. 

Many small moments of resentment can snowball into something that feels really big and heavy. It can cause you to question your whole relationship. And it can have a big impact on your mental health and well-being.

Here are some of the common threads that I hear from women:

- "My partner doesn't understand how much pregnancy, birth and recovery impacted me mentally, emotionally and physically. They just don't get it"

- "I have to be the one to remember everything. It's exhausting."

- "If I don't do it, then it won't get done. So, I end up doing everything myself. "

- "I find myself keeping score all the time, noting all the things I do that they don't."

- "It feels like they have more freedom and autonomy than I do. It's so much easier for them to go out. For me it's a lot more organizing and planning (and guilt). "

- "Having to explain what needs to happen or remind them takes too much mental energy. It's easier if I just do it."

- "I want to ask for help, but I'm afraid they'll let me down or do things wrong."

- "Even though some days I'm drowning, I'll still make sure my partner gets what they need. But it means that my needs never really get met."

- "I thought once the baby came he would be more involved. But I'm doing everything. I feel like a single parent sometimes."

- "Sometimes I hate my partner. And I feel so guilty."

Why it hurts so much

When all of this happens it hurts. Because we feel invisible. It feels like our partner can't see what we are going through and how much we have on our plate. We wish they would just step in and help without us having to remind them or tell them what needs to be done.

The resentment that builds can have a really negative impact on our relationship. It can lead to more conflict, feeling disconnected or shutting your partner out. It can impact our feelings of love and connection, as well as our desire to be physically intimate.

It can also increase our stress, feelings of isolation and general sense of happiness in motherhood. It's not a small thing. It can be huge and even lead to relationship breakdown.

How is this landing?

If you're reading this and feeling a lump in your throat. Or you are seeing yourself and your relationship in what I've talked about so far, please know you are not alone. This is common. 

And while we often feel shame when we have these feelings, they are actually signals that are worth listening to. You don't want to keep feeling this way. And I know you don't want to resentment to keep growing.

To move forward, we need to first unpack what is going on and driving the resentment. This is work I do often with you in counselling. If you have a moment, try and use the questions below to start curiously reflecting on where you are at right now.

Ask yourself these questions:

Do I feel that things in my relationship are fair?

When does the frustration and resentment come up the most?

How well am I able to openly communicate my needs to my partner?

What was I role modelled about relationships growing up? And how does that influence how I show up in my relationship with my partner?

If I was feeling supported and valued, what would this look like? What would I want to look different, and what would I want to stay the same?

How can we change things?

In counselling, there are lots of things that we can unpack and explore when it comes to partner resentment and relationship difficulties. These might include:

Setting healthy boundaries in your relationship

Making it clear how we want to be treated and setting clear boundaries around what you are willing to do (and what you are not willing to do.) This means less 'doing it all' and more sharing the load.

Understanding your communication style and how to better express our needs.

Many of us are passive - which means we don't say want we want or think to keep the peace and be liked. But this builds resentment, and when that builds to breaking point we can explode. This is when we yell something like 'You've got no idea how much I do' or get really upset when we've been let down again and can no longer hold our frustration in.

Understanding how your past experiences influence how you behave in relationships.

Whether we like it or not, the relationships that our main role models had (like our parents) influence how we behave in our own adult relationships. Unpacking how this shows up for us can be really important in breaking the cycle.

Other past experiences that can show up in our relationship with our partners include challenges in the perinatal period, birth trauma and symptoms of mental illness.

Support with change in parenthood

Becoming parents for the first time or having another baby is a huge life transition, and it can simply take time for you and your partner to learn to work together as a team. Having support, a clear plan and open communication can really help to minimise conflict and resentment.

If you need support 

If you've been reading through this and thinking 'something needs to change' then I would be honoured to support you on that journey. 

I offer counselling and birth debriefing, where we can work through exactly what is happening in your relationship and explore steps to reconnect.